Just touching off a cannon blast; no projectile, double powder charge. Checking to see if any heads pop up. 
It’s too quiet around here! Maybe we need a “Joke of the Day” thread?
I could use a joke of the day! LOL!
got a good one?
KA-Boom !
Okay, Bill; here’s one I heard (okay READ it on another Forum) a while ago; but it’s very funny… even my blonde (and that’s important) wife agrees:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh …
(wait for it)
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
That is priceless… LOL!
Likewise, I’m sure…
almost as bad as 2 newfies checking the flashers on a cougar…
driver: “does the left signal work?”
helper: "yes, yes, yes… no, yes, yes, yes,… no, yes…
C’mon guys, this needs to be a group effort! More jokes coming in mean more opportunity to laugh a little!
One of my favorite places to “mine” for good jokes is The Curb. Well, I know there are quite a few Curbsters on here; so I’m not going to bore anybody with “RE-RUNS” that they have seen over there. Another favorite of mine is a Forum catering to (dare I say it?) Ford Mustang and Lightning Owners; based out of the area around Ft Bragg and Pope AFB in North Carolina. Now most of these folks are military, or spouse of military, or civilians working for one of the military Branches, or “other family members” (like me) to “Good Ol’ Boys in the area”; so the jokes run the gamut from corney to somewhat risque". I’m a good ol’ redneck boy from out in the middle of the desert, I listen to and/or watch Foxworthy, Engvaald, Larry the Cable Guy, Ron White; so I’m not adverse to “a little risque” if the joke is truly funny. If this offends, let me know and I’ll rein myself in a bit.
With that, let me pass along some humor from the Forum of the “Sandhills Mustang Club” of Fayetteville/Raeford, NC:
First One Kinda cute; actually offered up by my son-in-law, an Airborne Cavalryman from (and returning to) the 82nd. One “medical reference” that might offend middle-aged guys who know what a “Finger-Wave” means…
A Proctologist goes into retirement and decides to find a new skill to occupy his time. He goes the the nearest tech college and enrolls into a mechanic’s course. In the course he learns to disassemble and reassemble cars and engines. He pays close attention and meticulously completes his exercises. For the final exam, he is required to completely disassemble and properly reassemble an engine and make it run. So he eats his Wheaties, gets a good night sleep, and takes the exam, painstakingly completing the task and the engine purrs like a kitten. He anxiously awaits his grade to see how well he did. The result is that he gets 150%, an A++.
The former doctor is dissatisfied and confronts his teacher. “What seems to be the issue?” says the teacher. The student says, “I’ve been to a lot of schooling, and I’m pretty sure 150% can not be possible on this exam, as there was no extra credit available.”. “Well,” the teacher says, "I decided you were a special case. You received 50% for disassembling the engine, 50% for reassembling the engine, and I gave you the 50% extra credit for completing the entire job through the Muffler."
So what do y’all think? Got anything? Post it up! I find there’s comparatively d*mn little to laugh about in this weird world where we live nowadays… anything to lighten the mood is good for the soul.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security
level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though,
security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or
even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit
Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
“Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the
British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in
1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off”
to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other
levels. This is the reason they have been used on the
front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and
Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more
levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change
Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from
“Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels:
“Invade a Neighbor” and ”Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at
the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level
from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Three more
escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend,” and “The barbie
is cancelled.”
And finally Canada is at “That’s not nice and please stop”
threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to
never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.
Now, This is GOOD!
hé hé hé
reminds me a little about the Italian sale of WW2 tanks, as new, reverse gear stripped…
Big Bart walks in the saloon and says :’’I’m gonna kill all the women and rape all the men!’’
A cowboy at the bar says: ‘’ don’t you mean kill all the men and rape all the women?’’
Little jack, the local gay blade interrupts and says: ‘’Let him make up his own mind…’’
A traveler gets a flat tire in the middle of nowhere…
No Jack… after walking a few miles, he spots a house, and decides to look in the window to see if anyone is home.
He sees an old man and an old woman.
The old woman is opening and closing the window shade repetitively with one hand, and cutting small pieces of the carpet with scissors with the other
The old man is pivoting his head in a ‘’no’’ fashion, has one hand up the woman’s skirt, and the other hand in the fishbowl.
Our hapless traveler decides to get back on the road, and look further on.
A few miles further, he sees another house, and upon sneaking a peek in the window, everything looks normal. He knocks, and a man answers. The resident offers the help required, and as he is getting ready, the traveler asks about the odd older couple living up the road a way.
After describing exactly what he saw, the local man says: “don’t worry about them, they are both deaf-mutes.
The old lady means: “Tomorrow, You will cut the lawn”
The old man is answering: “Up yours… I’m going fishing!”
Good one!
(Do I have to do that silly “10 characters” thing here?)
Good one Don and Jean!
(There, that fixed it!)
This just in! Stolen (yet again) from the forum of the Sandhills Mustang Club:
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Rhonda is watching from the kitchen window.
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything; she opened the window and yelled to me, ‘You need a piece of tail.’
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, ‘Make up your mind, last night, you told me to go fly a kite.’
Hé Hé!
I could help you with that…
A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
Found this while researching rogue waves.
Kind of gives it a new meaning 
Jean
IN ROME
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, “Well…?”
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREASTS
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”