BOOM!

Cougar Community The Garage
21

Three religious personalities met, and started discussing how they financed their churches.

The Protestant minister says: We take all the money from the collection plate, and bring it to the kitchen. On the kitchen table, there is a painted square. We toss all the money in the air, and what falls in the square is for our church, end the rest goes to the bishop.

The Catholic priest says: We take all the money from the collection plate, and bring it to the kitchen. On the kitchen table, there is a circle. We toss all the money in the air. What falls in the circle is for the bishop, and the rest is for our church.

The Jewish Rabbi says: I Take all the money in the kitchen. I throw all the money in the air. What Yaweh wants, he keeps. What comes back down is mine!

22

OMG! We have a winner! LOL!

23

Joey happens to be the best lumberjack in the whole country.

He goes in the woods with his trusty double bit axe and bucksaw, and comes out at dusk after lining up 35 4x4x8 cords of wood.

One day, his boss came up to him, and decided to really boost production, so, he gave him a chainsaw. He assured him he could easily double his production in half the time!

On the first day, at dusk, poor old Joey was really tired, and only had 6 cords to show for all the work. His boss simply said that it was all right, sometimes, a new work process took time to adjust. It would surely be better the next day.

Well, the next day, poor old Joey had 7 cords to show for all the work done, and was about to quit. His boss sat down with him, and helped to ascertain what was wrong.

Joey just complained that a chainsaw was terribly awkward, and much slower than his axe. His hand position was all wrong, and he had to keep sharpening the darn thing.

At this, the boss got up, grabbed it, moved it around a bit, and satisfied everything seemed normal, started it up.

At this point, Joey put his hands on his ears and screamed:’’ WHAT IS THAT GODAWFUL NOISE?’’

24

I was out taking a walk the other day, when I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall in the river; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. A few minutes later, I saw a Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps…

25

Hahaha!I share your pain

26

A man decides to go for a bit of adventure, and sets up to cross the desert.
.
He goes to a local camel dealer, buys a camel, loads it up, and off he goes.

Five days in his trip, his camel ups and dies of thirst. Marooned in the middle of nowhere, our adventurer keeps going on foot, and finally reaches the other side, but barely alive.

Once properly revived, he decides he wants to get back at that salesman for almost killing him with a sub-standard camel.

He rents a jeep, and takes off. As soon as he reaches the other side, he bee-lines for the camel vendor and really rips into him. The camel guy just takes a step back, and says:’’ but Sahib! You never said the camel was for a desert crossing! You need a bricked camel to succeed!’’

Our adventurer asks:’’ bricked?’’

‘’ Yes, Sahib, a regular camel will only carry about 5 days worth of water. Since you need at least 7 days to cross, you need a bricked camel’’

Our adventurer says again:’’ bricked?’’

‘’ Yes Sahib, I show you’’. At this point, our used camel salesman picks up one brick in each hand, and starts to walk around the camels. As soon as he comes behind a camel that is drinking, he lines up on each side of the camel’s bag (ahem…) and slams the bricks together.

At this point, said camel just gets a seriously perturbed look , and emits a tremendous sucking sound. The camel guy sais:’’You see! He now has at the very least 2 extra days, worth of water in there.’’

The adventurer asks:’’ Boy! That’s gotta hurt!’’

‘’No Sahib, you only need to keep your thumbs anywhere except between the bricks…’’

27

Spent last week (Mon-Sun) with my son and his 4H and FFA buddies at our local County Fair. A plus was that my wife also had the whole week off and was with us; double plus that my eldest daughter was there for the first time since joining the US Army in 2005, and she brought my grandson with her as well!

First off, let me say “Nice one, Jean” on the last joke! You inspired me to dig out another beaut from the folks down in North Carolina…



"A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian.
He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in that hold. If he does, you’re finished.”

Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing Ole and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the Norwegian coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud, and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded. When he finally got Ole alone, the Norwegian coach asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

Ole answered, “Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold. But at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin’ to lose – so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.” The coach asked: “So, that’s what finished him off!”

“Vel not really,” said Ole. “You’d be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!”

28

I just hate spewing coffee through my nose!

real good one!

29

There was this fellow who decided to explore the desert. He was well equipped, and knew the layout of the land. He and his trusty camel were simply going from one oasis to another, enjoying nature’s wind sculptures.

After quite a while, our adventurer was getting quite lonely by himself, and decided his camel, as a last resort, could help take care of things.

So… he got off the beast, unstrapped a few boxes, piled them behind the camel, climbed the boxes. And… the camel stepped forward a few steps.

Our needy traveler just sighed, came off the boxes, moved them forward, climbed again, and… the camel stepped forward a few steps.

This turned to become a serious contest of wills, and the camel was winning.

At one point, our traveler noticed what looked like wobbly footsteps in the sand, leading up to a very beautiful woman just about dying of thirst. He ran to the camel, grabbed a canteen,. And saved the woman’s life.

At that point, she offered him anything he wanted for saving her life (wink wink).

He was really grateful and accepted by asking her:’’would you hold my camel here for a minute?’’

30

I have had a few days like that, when the best I could do was bite my own nuts…

31

I’m sure happy I don’t wear dentures… :mrgreen:

32

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are”. The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we was friends”.

33

Dang! real good one!

34

Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn’t you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, ?’ asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, ‘Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da…’
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road… .
The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the lawyer, ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie’.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn’t vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans’. ‘Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene… He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her’…
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’
'Now vaat da hell vould YOU say?
:laughing:

35

Once I clean off my screen and keyboard (from the beer squirting out my nose) and feed the horses; I’ll try to find something CLOSE to being that funny! :laughing:

(And I only have Chance, Rascal and Dutch… no “Bessie” in the string of hayburners. Although Chance can sometimes be a jacka**)

36

A gent got into the french foreign legion. His first post is in the desert.

after being shown around, and properly set up, he assumes a regular post.

After a few weeks, he comes up to the sargeant, and asks what the fellows do for female company. The sargeant checks his roster, and says:“on thursday evenings, you can have the camel”.

Disgusted, the fellow goes bach to his post, and starts to re-evaluate the merits of being in the foreign legion… Every thursday night after this, he always walked by the camel, eyed it closely, and decided he would never be in such need. After 6 months, that camel started to look much better, and our guy finally decided to give it a try, (or… bust…). So, he set up a few boxes behind the camel, climbed up, dropped his pants, and jumped when he heard the sargeant ask what the hey he was doing. He answered:“But sargeant, you told me I could use the camel on thursday evenings!”

“sure!” said the sargeant, “take the camel, and the nearest town is 5 miles due north!”

37

It got quiet around here… may have to light off some more powder :mrgreen:

Okay, you all know how the “Goldilocks” fairy tale reads. Here’s THE REAL story!

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning…




Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. ‘Who’s been eating my
porridge?’ he squeaks.



Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God’s sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.



'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat’s litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.



'And now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once…



‘I HAVEN’T MADE THE DAMNED PORRIDGE YET"!!

38

That’s priceless! Just in case, tomorrow is Mothers day. Don’t forget. The dog house awaits those who fail.

39

nb gliug c. aba

sorry… fell asleep on my keyboard

40

Anybody else notice the vanishing threads on MC.Net?