A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
‘What are you doing?’
She asked.
‘Hunting Flies’
He responded.
‘Oh. ! Killing any?’
She asked.
‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
‘How can you tell them apart?’
He responded,
‘3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.’
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN’T
Nuts…my shaft is bent.
After 18 holes I can barely walk.
You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
Look at the size of his putter.
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it.
My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
Hold up…I need to wash my balls first.
at a seminar for uncontrolled muscle spasms, like nervous tics etc…, a speaker wanted to get the attention of everyone in the room by asking a woman in the first row:“do you even know what your @hole is doing when you have an orgasm?”
She answered:“I’m pretty sure he is either hunting or fishing with his buddies”
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d only allow me,’ she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked, ‘How does that feel’?
Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!
Still trying to catch my breath! Damnnnn that’s a good one.
Steven
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it through.
I arrived home safely without incident.
(wait for it)
Which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I’m really not sure where I got it.
Wow and I thought I was the only one that had nights like that. 
Warning: R-rated limerick ahead!
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
Twas ‘Hail to the Chief’
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
by: Russ Krueger
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
Inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page…
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.’
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.
Two hell’s Angels are walking in the woods in the dark hours.
First one says:“Geez! sure is scary here, in the middle of the night. Wonder why we have to go to that swamp right now?”
second onwe answers:" if you think this is scary, just imagine when i’ll have to come back this way all alone later"…
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at the supper table, so he asks, “Where were you last night?”
The son replies, “I was at the library” The robot slaps the son.
Startled the son admits, “OK I was at a friend’s house, watching a movie.”
What movie the father asks?
The son replies, “Toy story” and once again the Robot slaps the son.
“OK it was porn”, cried the son.
Father yells, “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was.”
The robot spins around and slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says , “He certainly is your son.” and the robot slaps the mother.
Niiiiiiiice!
A hip man goes out and buys a 1968 Cougar GT-E. It is the best and most expensive car available at auction, costing about $150,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” The young man replies, “A 1968 Cougar GT-E. It cost one hundred and fifty thousand dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car is rare and super fast, it can do up to 140 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?” “Sure,” replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!” Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 140 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Cougar GT-E?!” the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Cougar GT-E?!” Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, “You’re hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man moans and replies, “Yes, could you please unhook my suspenders from your side mirror?!”
Steven 
[album]702[/album]
Damn, Steven that’s rough. Better not let Brian see that or he’ll think that Gunner’s new owner accidentally killed an Old Guy! 
Troy, something’ wrong with your link - this new laptop keeps asking me if I want to save it, then Media Player can’t find an extension to decide if it’s a .jpg or what! Even tried to blow it up a bunch, just got reeeeeaallly blurrrrrry. Being a married old redneck, I really want to see how I score on this test! 
It should just open as a webpage.
http://www.classiccougarcommunity.com/forum/gallery/image.php?image_id=702
No workie for me, either…
I can see it. I passed… I think.
Yeah, but yer a PHD…or almost.