Yeah, but not in how to be a red neck. (Although my neck is red.)
Since the subject came up, I thought I’d pass along a little set of “definitions” that were posted on the wall in my UofA Faculty Advisor’s office. I was in EE, and my Advisor was Dr E.M Lonsdale. This is the same guy who advised me that, if I really liked to sit at a tech bench and “build and fix stuff”, then I should finish the semester, enroll in a Junior College or tech school and get certified; “Because you aren’t going to be allowed near a bench as an engineer, and on your days off you’ll want to think about ANYTHING BUT electronics” The guy got his Doctorate after retiring from 30 years in Medical Electronics;I believed him.
The REAL Definition of a College Degree:
BS - Bullsht
MS - MORE sht
PhD - Piled higher and Deeper
In the supermarket, a man was pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing toddler.
The man kept repeating softly, "Don’t get excited, Albert. Don’t scream, Albert. Don’t yell, Albert.
A woman standing next to him said,“You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe little Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”
This is not a joke, even a bad one. First I’ll repost Brick’s joke, since it was my “reminder”:
This reminds me of a trip to Fry’s when still living in Tucson. I was younger -a LOT younger; and a lot less ‘tolerant’ of others’ inability to realize when they’re shutting down the activities of other people, especially me! So, I’m walking through a Fry’s Food Store getting groceries.
(Fry’s is part of the Kroger chain, and the local stores’ names are different for different geographical areas. For instance; should anybody have lived in the Carolinas due to birth, choice, work -especially military folks- you know Fry’s as “Food Lion”. Now back to the story)
So I’m walking down the aisle, pushing a cart with some groceries and a screaming year-old baby with colic and general “pain in the mouth” because she was cutting a couple of teeth and wanted everybody around her to fully appreciate the experience of have teeth sprouting from a heretofore unscathed jaw bone. In front of me are two women, who have determined that the middle of a supermarket is by far the absolute pinnacle of locations for a 15 minute talk, complete with the latest pictures of the grandchildren. One of them glared at me and they began to speak ever louder, as my daughter began to cry/scream ever louder. Finally , in exasperation, one turned and asked if I had to sit behind them with the screaming child? For which I apologised, explaining that teeth were arriving in my daughter’s mouth and she much preferred moving along in the shopping cart to sitting in a immobile cart waiting for people to find someplace to share their life stories, someplace other than a supermarket aisle. Got a big harrumpf and a “Well, I never!” from the ladies, as they pushed their carts away. Microseconds after that, I’m getting “Dinozzio slapped” (A term from the TV show “NCIS”. I swear to God, she developed the action and Bellisario hasn’t paid her a single dime in royalties!) by my wife of 3-1/2 years; along with, “I can’t even take you to the grocery store”, to which I replied that I had no problem with grocery shopping but that I had a BIG problem with standing around waiting for “inconsiderate old btches to get out of the frcken’ baby food aisle!”
Yeah, somebody heard me; and store management asked that maybe it would be wise for me to stay away for a while… Which, of course is exactlyt what I wanted.
Worked really well, too; until my sweet young wife spent 5-10 minutes behind the same duo; “now improved with even more grandbaby pictures and stories”. Yeah, I got to go shopping -by myself - “Just for a while”.
I’m a lot older and less hot-headed than “back in the day”. I’ve even come to enjoy grocery shopping; even during “Winter Visitor” season. The 20 oz aerosol can of CO2 with a small plastic horn atop is my shopping partner these days… great fun when two ladies are forced to stop and compare photos.
But now they won’t let me in WalMart anymore! No sense of humor in this world these days.
^^^ Now that’s a good story. My brother would do the same thing. Air horn and all.
Steven
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!!
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, ‘No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’
No, this did not happen to me. But I thought you would like the story any way.
We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
‘Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.’
‘You know where the button is,’ I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. ‘Reset it yourself!’
‘But I’m scared!’ she persisted. ‘What if it starts going and sucks me in?’
There was a meaningful pause and then, ‘C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.’
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a ‘fight or flight’ syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the ‘flight’ option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of ‘been-there, done-that’ paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter…and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
‘What’s the matter?’ They all asked, ‘Cat got your tongue?’
If they only knew!
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing
\
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.” This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. “Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.” Again, Jervis silently obeyed. “Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.” Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!
PHD = Piled Higher and Deeper!
A man goes to the dentist because he has a toothache. As the dentist looks at the x-ray she informs the patient that the tooth has to be pulled. The patient says ok lets do it. The dentist informs him that she’ll be right back. When she returns to the room she has a needle with medicine to kill the pain so the tooth extraction can begin. The man says no oh no I don’t like needles. The dentist says it’s for the pain but the man still says no. She says ok I’ll give you some gas and that will help the pain. Again the man said no, oh no I don’t like gas it scares me. Perplexed the dentist asks if he can take a pill. Yes, oh yes the man replies I can take a pill to kill the pain. The dentist replied the pill is a Viagra it does nothing for the pain. Now the man is perplexed. Why would you give me Viagra if it doesn’t kill pain? The dentist replied, because you’re going to need something to hold onto when I pull that tooth.
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging\at him, and he couldn’t move.
“Oh, Lord,” the preacher prayed, “I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!”
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher’s feet:
“Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive…”
Advice for an old guy…
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet
young thing walking in …
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
“What machine should I use to impress that
young lady over there?”
The trainer looked me over and said,
“I would recommend the ATM in the lobby.”
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How does it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole, it’s three-fifteen in the morning!”
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen
crabs and asked the blonde flight attendant to take care of them for
him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was
a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if
she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his
behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin,
“Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise
your hand?”
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
- Many lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
- Many blondes aren’t as dumb as people think they are.
Best Comeback Line
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility …
Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes, sir.’
Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?” Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE :
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
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It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
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It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
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It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
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It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
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It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Adult Scrabble…
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors…