C’mon T3 fire some off, what are ya’ waitin’ for?
How does a pirate travel on vacation?
In an ARRRRRR-V…
Ba-doom-doom…
LMAO
If a bird that lives near the sea is called a seagull, what do you call a bird that lives near the bay?
A bagel.
Do you know how to call a duck?
I do!!!
“Here ducky-ducky-ducky, here ducky!!!”
Wow. That one was really bad. 
What’s Mary short for?
She’s got no legs
:shrug:, I gave fair warning…LMAO
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
sorry Ill stop now, was on the phone with my 10 yr old niece - shes got a million of em
OK, Let’s get them all out of the way.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
A. Stew
Q. Man with no arms and no legs in the Ocean?
A. Bob
Q. What do you tell a one legged hitch-hiker?
A. Hop In!
Q. What do you name a one legged girl?
A. Eileen
Q. One legged Asian girl? (Not politically correct, so I apologize in advance)
A. Irene
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
A. Art
Q. Man with no arms and no legs in the middle of a field?
A. Second base
My favorite book as a kid was “50 yards to the Outhouse” written by Willie Makeit and illustrated by Betty Wont
I’m done for now, but I am sure I missed a few but that is all I can remember for now.
Paul
LMAO, Second base…that was actually funny, hadn’t heard it before. The others, yup.
What’s grosser than gross?
When you open the fridge, and the rump roast farts.
Badda bing.
Irene 
I mean… 
If we’re gonna have a bad joke thread, we’re gonna need a ‘rimshot’ smiley!
From when my 14 year old was 10: Why did the the tiolet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
LETTER FROM A FARM KID
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6" and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Caddy Replies
\
10 Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
\
9 Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.
\
8 Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
\
7 Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy : “Eventually.”
6 Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
5 Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction…”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch - it’s a compass.”
4 Golfer: “How do you like my game ?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
3 Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
2 Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment…
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.*
TRUTHS FOR MATURE HUMANS
-
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die. -
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you’re wrong. -
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
younger. -
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
-
How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-
Was learning cursive really necessary?
-
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure
I know how to get out of my neighborhood. -
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died. -
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
-
Bad decisions make good stories.
-
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I’d bet anything that everyone can find and push the snooze button from
3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! -
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t
want to have to restart my collection…again. -
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I
did not make any changes to. -
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this - ever.
\ -
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Da**
it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run
away? -
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. -
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call. -
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay. -
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
-
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw
it. -
I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. -
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is. -
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
\ -
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and
smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? -
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters! -
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever. -
Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
-
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going
to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
Ø I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white
shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
There are a few more…
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the pool?
A. Duncan.
Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs, tied to the end of a pier?
A. Maude.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, stuck in a forest fire?
A. Bernie.
Q. What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs?
A. It doesn’t matter, he won’t come.
Q. What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs?
A. Dog food.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, resting on a podium?
A. Mike.
Q. What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs, sitting on a grill?
A. Patty.
Q. What do you call the guy with no arms and no legs lying next to her?
A. Frank.
Q. What do you call a guy with no feet?
A. Neil.
…and just for this site…
Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, lying under your Cougar?
A. Jack.