Good one indeed!
Good one, Don!
Why does a mans heart rate increase and he becomes short of breath when in the presence of a woman in a leather dress?
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Because she smells like a new truck.
I met a genie today who said she would grant me one wish.
“I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!”
“You crafty bastard,” said the genie.
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
“Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
“Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too,
But I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money.
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, ‘Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?’
Luigi said, ‘Everyting wasa perfecto excepta for da traina ride down.’
‘Whata you mean, Luigi?’ asked Giovanni.
'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we wasa lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us andasay, ‘no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.’ So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta to open upa da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.’ 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada, boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice ‘Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !’
‘Nexta time, I’ma justa gonna taka da bus!’
Even better one, Don!
An Italian gent is having his house all redecorated. His only special request is to “Wanna tha statu in da corna”
So, he leaves on vacation, and when he comes back, the decorator meets him at the door, to give him the grand tour. He shows him all the new stuff, and decorations etc… As he comes to the living room, He proudly shows him the lifesize statue of the Virgin Mary in the corner.
The Italian looks a bit befuddled, and asks:“ya, but where is tha statu?”
The decorator points at it
The Italian says:“No no no, the statu, you know?”
At that point, the phone rings, the Italian looks for it, and finds it on a table further away, and answers :"allo? s’tat you?
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
… I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.
The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’
The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
now this, this is funny!
Police Report
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket… When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the “Toys for Tots” program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and ambulances arrived at the scene, Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.
The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw…injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Now that’s a well written Police report.
Subject: Pelosi is a saint
Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop at the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”
Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon."As Pelosi’s aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Speaker Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.” The Cardinal concluded, “But, when compared with President Obama , House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.”
Like 'em both, Don.
pretty good!
LMAO…Saint Pelosi Day in the future?
Survivor: Texas Style
Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, “Survivor, Texas-Style!” The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville … They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas …
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: “I’m a Democrat,” “Amnesty for Illegal’s,” “I love the Dixie Chicks,” “Boycott Beef”, “I Voted for Obama”, " George Strait Sucks," “Hillary in 2012” And…“I’m here to confiscate your guns.” The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
God Bless Texas!
I’d watch it. Maybe Obummer could be a guest contestant !
THE PARROT A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot… There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.” When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman’s husband Bill came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hello, Roy !”
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
‘Would you mind telling me, Doctor,’ she asked, ‘how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?’
‘Nothing is easier,’ he replied. ‘You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track…’
‘What sort of question?’ asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’’
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, ‘You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.’
LMAO!!!