LMAO!
There were a couple of items in the news this week you might have missed.
The first is from the medical science file.
Doctors at Harvard Medical school have been experimenting with
Botox. They’ve found that it cures incontinence.
The second item is from the political file.
Nancy Pelosi has not been to the bathroom in three years.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young wom And she was upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’ And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Go ahead,’… she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’ And the husband began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’ The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?
LMAO!
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening… After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT…’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’ she asked the second man.
'Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant… ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response…
‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
Hmmmmmm… even if we had the :ZOT: smilie around here; I’m not sure if it counts if you’re duplicating a joke on another board, especially if you’re just copying yourself.
Mr B, we made need a ruling on this! 
Oh the heck with it! Might as well add my previous “Thursday joke” to the pile…
The Glasgow Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked…
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left…
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied, “Edinburgh .”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh.”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person…”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------
1.
Death
Taxes
If a lawyer is involved somebody is going to get screwed
:zot:…(just for you, Ddawg!) LMAO
Dawg that one is priceless.
Ok ok 5 yrd penality at the point of the infraction…
Ill just post em one board, that way if you want to read some of them youll have to join both boards! - ( see marketing ploy!)
This way, if we get to :zot:… I know a certain DD that;ll get new curls in his hair
(dang laptops)
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
‘‘This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.’’
‘‘Yes, I remember him as a baby…’’ says the other mother cheerfully.
“He’s a martyr now though.” the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear…‘’ says the other.
‘‘And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.’’
‘‘Oh, I remember him,’’ says the other happily, ‘‘he had such curly hair when he was born.’’
‘‘He’s a martyr too…’’ says the mother quietly.
‘‘Oh, gracious me…’’ says the other.
‘‘And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18’’, she whispers.
“Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, ‘‘I remember when he first started school…’’
‘‘He’s a martyr also,’’ says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . …
“They blow up so fast, don’t they ?”
ha ha ha! great one Don!
Great one, Don!
EDIT: Wait, I can’t say the same thing JB did! Gotta change it somehow…
Okay, I’ve got it… in keeping with “current events in the Classic Cougar world”:
“That joke, while riotously humorous, is offensive to a certain ethnic group, and therefore not politically correct. Also, there were several mis-spellings. I’m asking for a “NSFW” tag to be placed in the subject line, and for one of the IM-moderators to place mercurydon in the CCCF standard “3-minute time-out” for the period between 1:59 AM and 2:01 AM this night!”
Oh, and “This is strike one!”
(Sorry, I just couldn’t resist)
:zot: ???
NO :zot:, if you’ll notice I was editing my previous post while you were typing yours! 
how the whoo aaawh do i do multiple quotes in here???
Anyone can go ooops and go back to a previous post and edit :thatwentkindawell:
AND…
i’ll have you know, that as an ex 10th grade math teacher in equations and inequations of the first AND second degree with multiple variables, there are NO MORE THAN 2 MINUTES between 1:59 AM and 2:01 AM . SWISH (steeeerike one to you mister!)
boy, sure feel a tad less confused right at this moment.
The doctor does say I’m much better now…
Jean
Okay, you’re from the frozen north, so I’ll go s…l…o…w…l…y
Seriously, it was true that I was editing in all that other stuff while you were attempting to :zot: me… it was my attempt to poke at you, which I haven’t done in AT LEAST 14 hours!
And, to do multiple quotes, or even single quotes for that matter, you can type out (quote=“johnboy”)fill in what you want to plagerize here(/quote) only you’d put the QUOTE and /QUOTE in BRACKETS instead of parenthises. I’ll do it with brackets this time:
See how that came out? You just “copy-and-paste” multiple times with the quote tags around each little bit you want to play with. Makes for all kids of fun!
As for your math problem - if I were to somehow convince Bill to “grant” Todd and Mark the opportunity to do 3 minute time-outs IN A THREE MINUTE TIME PERIOD they (at least Todd) would be doing it all the time! 
Thanks Dawg,
it also helps that i’m not as confused in the morning…
also… the 10% beer has finished it’s job
As for T3… I don’t mind a time out when i’m asleep (hé hé hé)
oh… and plagiarize? moi? never! simply quote, sir!
good day eh?
I’m sooooooooooooo JB’d right now…LMAO